write, quite write...ya bloody well write

I am absolutely THRILLED to hear that I've provided the inspiration for a BALLBUSTIN' DAME character in a brilliant writer friend's novel-in-progress. Can't wait to read the finished story. God, I hope she's a whore.

RAGE

Let me say, as I verily quiver with righteous anger, that I have fucking HAD IT with the cavalier attitude regarding violence against women in this goddamned country. Make no mistake -- violence against women is the most commonly perpetrated act of civil terrorism committed here and all over the world and we need to treat it as such. Retribution needs to be SWIFT and HARSH. Men need to be taught from an early age that it is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE to EVER lay a hand on a woman with the aim to bully, punish, control, or harm -- and this is NON-FUCKING-NEGOTIABLE. I'm gettin' REAL SICK of hearing new stories every day about women being threatened, attacked, beaten, raped, and murdered...because some PIECE-OF-SHIT COCKSUCKER WITH A MINISCULE DICK couldn't control his own rage and twisted compulsions.

I should not be afraid to walk ANYWHERE at ANYTIME for fear of being attacked.

My two daughters should not be afraid.

My sisters, friends, and colleagues should not be afraid.

Lily Burk, Annie Le, and now Chelsea King -- whose 17 year old body has just been found in a shallow grave near San Diego and identified by her parents -- should not have been afraid.

All the nameless, faceless, young women of color -- who are apparently without value or worth in their own goddamned country -- who disappear or are murdered every single day and whose names we never hear on the evening news because their tragic, anonymous deaths don't matter to a fucking racist, classist, misogynist culture that certainly didn't valued them in their lives. They should not have been afraid.

WE NEED TO UNLEASH THE FUCKING KRAKEN ON ANY MAN -- ANYWHERE -- WHO PERPETRATES VIOLENT ACTS AGAINST WOMEN.

NOW.

cute little bunnies and chickies

This one goes out to all you muthafuckas who think they ain't seen nothin' GOOD today.

oh, sherry!

"My great Aunt Jennifer ate a whole box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be 102, and when she had been dead three days, she looked better than you do now." -- Sheridan Whiteside, The Man Who Came To Dinner

part woof

Have you ever noticed that convicts, outlaws, bikers, and old stoners ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS claim to be "part Cherokee on my mother's side"? What the fuck is that all about? And that no matter what kind of dog they have, it's always "part wolf."

ass in chair, hands on keys, shut the fuck up.

To be a writer, first and foremost...one must WRITE -- ass in chair, hands on keys. Quit talkin' about it and JUST FUCKING DO IT.

As Stephen King says, "It is, after all, the dab of grit that seeps into an oyster’s shell that makes the pearl...not pearl-making seminars with other oysters."

he's a monstoo

While watching CNN this morning, my very cerebral 15 year old son made me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD when, completely out of the blue, he turned to me and said in all seriousness, "Barack Obama is the first human president I can remember."

Such a clever, clever boy.

take your medicine

Painfully True Admission #714: When I was little, I HONESTLY believed that licking the backs of Easter Seals helped immunize you against crippling childhood muscular diseases.

I am not lying about this.

breasts and thighs

Painfully True Muff Admission #427: When I was a little girl, I also really and truly thought that Foster Farms was a home for unwanted chickens. I would always PLEAD with my mother to buy the Foster Farms brand chicken because I genuinely believed that they had already been rejected by their own mothers and forced to live in a chicken foster home...so the VERY least we could do was bring them home with us.

You can't make this shit up.

boil that dust-speck!

I am watching "Woodstock", the documentary -- and try as I might, I am just not getting anything either stardust OR golden up in this motherfucker. All I can see are lots of undulating white people with greasy hair, filthy iceholes, and ZERO FUCKING RHYTHM -- although ol' spastic Joe Cocker is definitely rocking the living shit out of With A Little Help From My Friends. This movie just makes me want to go baby wipe my bunghole.

"oh, sweet mystery of life, at last i've found you!"

"Each must bear his cross, and THAT...is his." -- Proskovia Rasputin, when she walked in on her infamously well-endowed husband, Grigori, and another woman.

tell it, little sister!

"'Dear Doug, I received your message that you weren't coming to my graduation. Doug, this is not the kind of thing that occurs between adults. Maybe you've found someone new, someone more mature. But if you ask me, Doug, you're the one being childish. Anyhow, if you think I'm gonna sit around and wait for you, forget it. Sincerely, Linda.' What do you think? I have another version where I call him an asshole."

DON'T DO IT

Muff Rule #1612: Anyone who dares refer to Pink Floyd as "The Floyd" in my presence, gets my fucking black Dansko clog inserted directly into their icehole.

unbelievable

Muff Fact #216: When my now teenaged son, Otis, was a baby, I took him grocery shopping with me one day and was busy unloading my grub for the cashier when I noticed her looking over at him sort of oddly. When I glanced over, I noticed him happily chewing away on something he had dug out of my purse: A STRAND OF WHITE ANAL-BEADS THAT A FRIEND HAD GIVEN ME AS A JOKE THE DAY BEFORE. With a bored Ethel Mertz ducklip face, I just shrugged my shoulders and kept loading my stuff onto the conveyor belt.

my fatass? kisseth

Oh, and by the way...all you right wing pricks whining that Obama hasn't fixed us up all nice yet: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU. It took your boy, Bush, 8 years of ass-raping us with no lube to get us where we are in the first place. Give this poor bastard a chance -- he's only cleaning up Republican feces, after all. Where were all you goddamned tea-baggin' patriots when W&Co. was parking their meat bus in your ca-ca locker for nearly a decade? FUCK OFF.

bang, bang

I don't know about you, but I think it's completely awesome that Roger Ebert and Oprah used to bang around back in the day. It's proof positive that you're NEVER TOO FAT TO FUCK -- and trust me, I OUGHTA KNOW.

they call me mella hella

HA! This made me belly laugh out loud and therefore, I shall sign their goddamned petition post-haste. The funniest part to me is not so much the actual street slang provenance of the term "hella" -- the funniest part to me is THAT HELLA AS A MATHEMATICAL PREFIX ALREADY SOUNDS COMPLETELY LEGIT TO MY EAR. I mean "hellaton"? THAT'S BONAFIDE, baby. Let's do this thing.

Hella-sign this bitch already.