meathook

Stephen Baldwin is OFF TRACK. As his oldest brother, Alec needs to step up and do the merciful thing and just put a hollow-point bullet right between this pathetic motherfucker's eyes. That born-again meathook is the only Baldwin I WOULDN'T bang.

joanie

Goddamnit, this makes me BELLY SCREAM WITH LAUGHTER: "Joan Rivers' vagina is so old...it has a separate entrance for black cock."

snout

Something I've long wondered: When someone has a pigface...do they KNOW they have a pigface? I mean, is Kevin Bacon aware that he has a snout? Please advise.

mouse

A different question...but in somewhat the same vein as my earlier porcine proboscis query: Do you think that Penelope Cruz and Joey Mcintyre are aware that they have MOUSE FACES? I mean, if you look in the mirror and fucking Topo Gigio is looking back at you...do you know it? And if so, how does that make you feel?

bump

A very distinct thought I clearly remember having when I was pregnant: When a woman is struttin' around with a huge, knocked-up belly...it's exactly the same as if she were struttin' around wearing a sandwich board that says, "That's right -- I GOT POWER FUCKED."

dfw; i miss him

"This is so American, man: either make something your God and cosmos and then worship it, or else kill it." -- David Foster Wallace

edna

"There is no denying the fact that writers should be read but not seen. Rarely are they a winsome sight." -- Edna Ferber

a call to action, indeed

"Indeed, becoming a mother is the single best way a woman can elevate her risk of living in poverty -- a truth that ought to be the unwavering call for action of the feminist movement."

the great gazoo

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bless me, father, for i have sinned...

I am definitely cleaning up my act because I just found out that in Hell...an unwashed Courtney Love rides Reverse Cowgirl on your face until the end of time.

wtf?

Wait a minute. I just noticed something. Wouldn't 'Kaiser Permanente' translated mean 'Eternal King'? Now WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?

OFF TRACK

Many have written to ask the precise definition of "OFF TRACK", as so frequently and vociferously used by myself and my best friend, Billy. To respond, I am now beginning an ongoing series cleverly called "OFF TRACK."

The first entry: OFF TRACK is channel surfing at 3 am, stumbling upon an AWESOME Three Stooges Marathon -- and then realizing you are smack fucking dab in the middle of SHEMPTOWN.

Shemp Howard is THE VERY ESSENCE OF OFF TRACK.

not just caffeine-fueled resolve

This shameless dame wants what she wants and is steppin' up her motherfuckin' game to get it.

Just watch me.

don't forget to take them

"When I think about my relationship with America, I feel like a battered wife: Yeah, he knocks me around a lot, but boy, he sure can dance." -- Sarah Vowell, "Take the Cannoli: Stories from the New World"

itchin' my scratch

I gotta tell you...not much makes me happier in this goddamned world than referring to Satan as "Ol' Scratch."

patti

"You have to understand, I'm not a middle-class person. I'm like a lower-class person with upper-class aesthetics." -- Patti Smith

god bombs

Always remember and don't ever forget, my darling poppets: Men of science walked on the moon; men of faith stole airplanes and flew them into buildings.

mommy

I was just lamenting to my teenage son, Otis, about what an utter crock of horseshit it is that he needs my fatass to take him to GameStop to get his latest coveted video game -- Brutal Legend -- because it's rated "M" for mature. I asked him what's so bad in the bastard that a 15 year old dude -- suckled on "Grand Theft Auto", "South Park" and "Superbad" -- is unable to purchase it without holding his mother's hand. He told me, "There's cussing and blood and heads getting chopped off"...to which I responded, "That's not offensive, dude -- THAT'S MY RESUME!"

peace

"May all that have life be delivered from suffering." -- Gautama Buddha

breaking upwards

To all my LA and New York pipples: If you do anything at all tonight, get your fatasses down to either The Laemmle's 5 on Sunset or The IFC Center on Avenue of the Americas -- and starting April 16th at The Lumiere in San Francisco -- and SEE THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE.

Our good friend, the BRILLIANT actor Mather Zickel, told us about this friend and colleague of his who, along with her boyfriend, made a film for $15,000 dollars. Yes, you read that right -- FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, MOTHERFUCKERS -- and "Breaking Upwards" is it. We all went to see it Friday night and were COMPLETELY charmed and blown away by this awesome, intelligent, engaging, hilarious film they created with virtually nothing except a magnificent screenplay, GENIUS actors who worked for practically nothing, and THE SHEER WILL AND VISION TO GET IT DONE. And boy did they. What they need now is simply "ASSES IN SEATS." -- numbers. This is proof positive that a completely awesome and entertaining film doesn't have to cost 20 million dollars to make. The reviews so far are breathtaking and the word is trickling out, so, if you are looking for something fabulous to do tonight, GET THINE DIY-ART-SUPPORTING-ASS down to see it in this very, very limited initial engagement. And when you are blown away like me, MAKE SURE and tell everyone you know to rent it, watch it, buy it. DO IT -- or get kicked in the taco by your crazy Auntie Muffy. Thank you! xoxo

Breaking Upwards

crazy aunt nay nay

Whenever I have the chance to visit with my VAST LEGIONS of darling and delightful nieces and nephews (whose sheer numbers -- because of my 8 prolific, fuckmachine siblings -- are truly like cockroaches), they always stampede up in a great sweep and hug me and kiss me and swirl all around me, laughing and chattering away with statements like, "You were SO funny on the Disney Channel, Aunt Nay Nay!", "Your dress looks like a witch dress, Aunt Nay Nay!", "Do you have any MAC makeup you don't want, Aunt Nay Nay?" (always asked by my festive nephew, Alex), "Your fat tummy looks like you are going to have a baby, Aunt Nay Nay!", and my VERY favorite pronouncement -- which they ALWAYS SAY, with so much pride and love you wouldn't even believe it -- "Aunt Nay Nay...we were watching School of Rock last night and you remind us EXACTLY of Jack Black!"

Goddamn, I love those fucking babies.

markie mark

"What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself." -- Mark Twain

blankies for babies!

If you knit or crochet...PLEASE consider donating your time, talents, yarn, and heart to this AWESOME project: making small security blankets to provide both physical and psychological comfort to shelter animals while they wait to be picked up, rescued, or adopted. These sweet little babies are frequently frightened, cold, alone, and confused -- and these small, cozy blankets are something they can call their own while they await their new families and their new lives.

Along with Frances, that gorgeous black chihuahua lounging on my lap, knitting blankies for these babies is my new reason for living.

The Snuggles Project

buddy

I don't care what anybody says -- not only do I think that Buddy Holly was DEAD SEXY...I THINK HE COULD FUCK, as well. Look at that face and look at that stance. I'm telling you, that is NOT the jawline of a man who can't fuck.

Good god, I really want ol' Buddy to pull my pert ponytail, slap my wholesome face, hike my poodle skirt up around my ears, and hiccup-sing my name as he's nailing me in the back of a '56 Chevy.

"Muffy Sue. Muffy Sue. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Muffy Sue...oh, oh, Muffy...MY MUFFY SUE-UE-UE!"

bill

“I don’t care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it.” -- William S. Burroughs

love it

"Squat and Cough" is the name of my new band.

i like this

“Motivating millionaires.” – Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson, when asked what is the hardest part of his job.

now THAT'S a PIECE OF ASS

A most thoughtful product to help minimize the existential shame that your dog undoubtedly feels over his or her unsightly butthole.

(YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS.)

Bringing BUTTHOLE Back

silly lilly

Aside from ol' Christina Onassis, have you ever noticed that wealthy, socialite-type women are NEVER fatasses? And further, the ones that are usually die young -- not of heart disease or diabetes like the rest of us filth -- but of PURE SHAME over not being able to rock the SERIOUS little pink and green Lilly Pulitzer shift and Bernardo sandals that are required gear when summering in the Hamptons. Ol' Lil don't work on a BIG FATTIE -- trust me, I KNOW.