Friday, April 30, 2010
A different question...but in somewhat the same vein as my earlier porcine proboscis query: Do you think that Penelope Cruz and Joey Mcintyre are aware that they have MOUSE FACES? I mean, if you look in the mirror and fucking Topo Gigio is looking back at you...do you know it? And if so, how does that make you feel?
A very distinct thought I clearly remember having when I was pregnant: When a woman is struttin' around with a huge, knocked-up belly...it's exactly the same as if she were struttin' around wearing a sandwich board that says, "That's right -- I GOT POWER FUCKED."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Although I think that Shemp on The Three Stooges, Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch, Ricky on The Partridge Family, and Scooby DUM on Scooby Doo were all shark-jumpers, afterthoughts, meathooks, and STRICTLY OFF TRACK...I gotta say that I actually liked The Great Gazoo on The Flintstones. Yes, he was a HUGE QUEEN...but, goddamn, that little green cocksucker was BUTCH. I like BUTCH.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Many have written to ask the precise definition of "OFF TRACK", as so frequently and vociferously used by myself and my best friend, Billy. To respond, I am now beginning an ongoing series cleverly called "OFF TRACK."
The first entry: OFF TRACK is channel surfing at 3 am, stumbling upon an AWESOME Three Stooges Marathon -- and then realizing you are smack fucking dab in the middle of SHEMPTOWN.
Shemp Howard is THE VERY ESSENCE OF OFF TRACK.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I was just lamenting to my teenage son, Otis, about what an utter crock of horseshit it is that he needs my fatass to take him to GameStop to get his latest coveted video game -- Brutal Legend -- because it's rated "M" for mature. I asked him what's so bad in the bastard that a 15 year old dude -- suckled on "Grand Theft Auto", "South Park" and "Superbad" -- is unable to purchase it without holding his mother's hand. He told me, "There's cussing and blood and heads getting chopped off"...to which I responded, "That's not offensive, dude -- THAT'S MY RESUME!"
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
To all my LA and New York pipples: If you do anything at all tonight, get your fatasses down to either The Laemmle's 5 on Sunset or The IFC Center on Avenue of the Americas -- and starting April 16th at The Lumiere in San Francisco -- and SEE THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE.
Our good friend, the BRILLIANT actor Mather Zickel, told us about this friend and colleague of his who, along with her boyfriend, made a film for $15,000 dollars. Yes, you read that right -- FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, MOTHERFUCKERS -- and "Breaking Upwards" is it. We all went to see it Friday night and were COMPLETELY charmed and blown away by this awesome, intelligent, engaging, hilarious film they created with virtually nothing except a magnificent screenplay, GENIUS actors who worked for practically nothing, and THE SHEER WILL AND VISION TO GET IT DONE. And boy did they. What they need now is simply "ASSES IN SEATS." -- numbers. This is proof positive that a completely awesome and entertaining film doesn't have to cost 20 million dollars to make. The reviews so far are breathtaking and the word is trickling out, so, if you are looking for something fabulous to do tonight, GET THINE DIY-ART-SUPPORTING-ASS down to see it in this very, very limited initial engagement. And when you are blown away like me, MAKE SURE and tell everyone you know to rent it, watch it, buy it. DO IT -- or get kicked in the taco by your crazy Auntie Muffy. Thank you! xoxo
Whenever I have the chance to visit with my VAST LEGIONS of darling and delightful nieces and nephews (whose sheer numbers -- because of my 8 prolific, fuckmachine siblings -- are truly like cockroaches), they always stampede up in a great sweep and hug me and kiss me and swirl all around me, laughing and chattering away with statements like, "You were SO funny on the Disney Channel, Aunt Nay Nay!", "Your dress looks like a witch dress, Aunt Nay Nay!", "Do you have any MAC makeup you don't want, Aunt Nay Nay?" (always asked by my festive nephew, Alex), "Your fat tummy looks like you are going to have a baby, Aunt Nay Nay!", and my VERY favorite pronouncement -- which they ALWAYS SAY, with so much pride and love you wouldn't even believe it -- "Aunt Nay Nay...we were watching School of Rock last night and you remind us EXACTLY of Jack Black!"
Goddamn, I love those fucking babies.
Goddamn, I love those fucking babies.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
If you knit or crochet...PLEASE consider donating your time, talents, yarn, and heart to this AWESOME project: making small security blankets to provide both physical and psychological comfort to shelter animals while they wait to be picked up, rescued, or adopted. These sweet little babies are frequently frightened, cold, alone, and confused -- and these small, cozy blankets are something they can call their own while they await their new families and their new lives.
Along with Frances, that gorgeous black chihuahua lounging on my lap, knitting blankies for these babies is my new reason for living.
The Snuggles Project
Monday, April 5, 2010
I don't care what anybody says -- not only do I think that Buddy Holly was DEAD SEXY...I THINK HE COULD FUCK, as well. Look at that face and look at that stance. I'm telling you, that is NOT the jawline of a man who can't fuck.
Good god, I really want ol' Buddy to pull my pert ponytail, slap my wholesome face, hike my poodle skirt up around my ears, and hiccup-sing my name as he's nailing me in the back of a '56 Chevy.
"Muffy Sue. Muffy Sue. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Muffy Sue...oh, oh, Muffy...MY MUFFY SUE-UE-UE!"
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Aside from ol' Christina Onassis, have you ever noticed that wealthy, socialite-type women are NEVER fatasses? And further, the ones that are usually die young -- not of heart disease or diabetes like the rest of us filth -- but of PURE SHAME over not being able to rock the SERIOUS little pink and green Lilly Pulitzer shift and Bernardo sandals that are required gear when summering in the Hamptons. Ol' Lil don't work on a BIG FATTIE -- trust me, I KNOW.