Friday, January 22, 2010

from the archives: order up

From the sweltering Summer of 2006:

For my birthday on Monday, my friends took me to Downtown Disney in Orlando for treats and eats. The treats came first: I got a Sleeping Beauty playset (complete with The Prince, Maleficent, and all three Fairy Godmothers) and a Tinkerbell dress-up set with 6 different outfits (think Polly Pocket with pixie dust and a temper.) I could not be more pleased with my haul and cannot stop playing with all their tiny, plastic asses. When it comes to gifts, my friends are so on-track that it hurts.

Our tummies all aflutter with gastric juices, we then headed for the digestive side of the street and ended up at some marginally upscale Italian restaurant. After scouring the menu, hoping to find just a big plate of pisghetti instead of some weird, specialty concoction (when it comes to Italian, I like to keep it ol' school and ON-TRACK), I came across a seafood dish with a hilarious name that had me belly laughing OUT LOUD -- so much so that when our fabulous, raging bulldyke waitress asked for my order, I proudly announced that although I just wanted to order the spaghetti, I would henceforth be officially adopting the moniker of one of their specialty dishes as my new stripper name:

Snapper Bruschetta.

Homegirl blinked, ran a quick hand through her mullet, stared at me with HUGE eyes like she couldn't believe what I had just said, and started to BELLY GUFFAW OUT LOUD. And then, well, that was it -- it was ON.

The meal was a HOOT...The Jackals were in rare form. And afterwards, because Jimmy had covertly notified our girl that it was my birthday, she and every gottdamned waiter, bartender, busboy, and hostess in the joint marched over to our table carrying a little chocolate cake on a large white platter -- onto which had been carefully written by their in-house pastry chef: SNAPPER BRUSCHETTA. And then, in front of a full restaurant of bemused patrons, proceeded to loudly and proudly sing:

"Happy Birthday, Snapper Bruschetta...Happy Birthday....toooooooooo yooooooooooou!"

She told me afterwards, "You guys are the best table I have EVER waited on -- and none of us will ever again be able to hear someone order the Snapper Bruschetta without smirking and thinking of you."

She got a $100 tip.

I got the best birthday dinner ever.

Good trade.

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