Friday, January 22, 2010

more meme masturbation

Yet another self-indulgent list of odd/interesting facts about myself while I fret and sweat with ruinous perfectionism regarding my this-close-to-being-finished book proposal:

1.) From a very early age, I have slept with books in my bed...literally stowed in my pillowcases, tucked under the mattress, wrapped in the sheets, and stashed between the comforters -- within arms distance and surrounding me at all times. This is, of course, so that I can wake and have instant access to my most valued and cherished material possessions. I just recently read somewhere that Chairman Mao practiced this same habit throughout his entire life –- which I find only mildly disturbing.

2.) My mother regularly douches with Scope mouthwash. She says it gives her cooter a blast of icy-fresh rejuvenation. If she is out of Scope, she has also been known to use Listerine in a pinch. Give us a kiss.

3.) My husband’s uncle was a writer on The Brady Bunch, All in the Family, Here’s Lucy, The Red Skelton Show, Mr. Ed, and Sanford and Son, among many other classic television shows. Also, his aunt was Morticia’s cousin, Melancholia, on The Addams Family as well as the voice of Henrietta Hippo on The New Zoo Revue and the “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing...” lady on the famous Alka Seltzer commercials of the 1970s (She would answer, “Believe it, Henry...”) And speaking about cousins, when you ride the Tower of Terror ride at Disneyland, that is Gregory’s first cousin, Bob, you see portraying Rod Serling. Brilliance clearly runs in his family.

4.) Because I apparently have the world’s tiniest ears, no earbuds known to man will fit me. When I wish to listen to my ipod, I am forced to do so via regular old-school earphones or car speakers, which is a colossal pain-in-the-icehole, I assure you. When we were in London a few years ago, I was the only person on the double-decker tour bus (small children included, mind you) who had to actually physically hold the tour’s earbuds in my ears because they would pop out within 3 seconds of my frustrating attempts at wedging them in there. Think Shaquille O'Neal trying to fuck Tinkerbelle...and well, you get the idea.

5.) I have always said that when it comes to rubbish -- fuck girl power! Along with changing tires and killing spiders, garbage is the domain of men! I refuse to handle refuse!

6.) One of the sounds I love the most is the clackity-clackity sound of a huge brace of fresh clams or periwinkles being dumped all over each other into a metal cooking pot.

7.) No matter where I happen to find myself in the world, I always leave my watch set to the time where my children are.

8.) I never snoop in my children’s things –- not their drawers, not their purses, not their Facebooks, not their MySpaces. Never, ever.

9.) I keep a bottle of Visine in the refrigerator at all times –- because nothing in this world feels better when my eyes are itchy from allergies or tired from reading or writing. It's sort of a blast of icy-fresh rejuvenation, you might say.

10) I come from a long line of carnival people –- including those who sold corndogs, those who worked the midway, those who performed in sideshows, and -- though I'm sure you'll find it terribly difficult to believe seeing that I am such a fine fuckin' lady -- those who were quite infamous for doing this:


No comments:

Post a Comment