Friday, January 22, 2010

shoes, betch.

One of my girlfriends recently told me that some of her co-workers have been whining and raising hell and saying these little baby booties are just "so wrong", in addition to countless online message boards that echo their sentiments -- and I would like to consult my precious poppets for your humble opinion on the matter. Are we amused or mortified?


Ha! I find myself both amused and mortified -- AT WHAT A BIG FUCKING DEAL EVERYBODY IS MAKING OVER THESE. They are puffy baby booties shaped like high heels, people -- not poison-tipped blowdarts carrying a whole new, impervious to vaccine or antibiotics strain of the bubonic plague, for fuck's sake. They are not even intended to be toddled upon -- they are merely ornamental. I say, if you think these are hilarious and want to put them on your baby daughter (or son, even better!) for a huge belly laugh, then do it! And if the whole sexualization-of-the-young issue really eats at your milky white soul that much (because, make no mistake, those most outraged by these have just GOTTA BE WHITE PEOPLE), then shave her up a nice fade and put your girl in a teeny Steelers jersey and tighty-whities to really BUTCH her up before placing these booties upon her sweet little hocks. Your privileged, Protestant guilt will be mightily assuaged, I promise!

And since you asked, please allow me to state for the record that I think the whole, "I AM SO OFFENDED" horseshit in this country has gotten WAY out of control. Lemme tell you something, if you find this trifling little novelty offends your tender sensibilities that much, then I suspect you need to have your OUTRAGE GAUGE recalibrated, motherfucker. How about a month in Darfur for starters?

And while you're there, why don't you ask some of those mothers helplessly watching their children suffer and die just how offended they are by your pathetic, bullshit, First World, politically correct issues regarding a pair of cloth baby booties with an extra inch of fabric and stuffing attached to the underside.

Get back to me with your answer. I'll be right here waiting -- angrily strutting back and forth in my extra-large, custom-made, leopard-skin, stuffed cha-cha heels and my piss-poor attitude.

I'm a shitkicker and a shrew. Anybody got a cigarette?

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